The Hook Up
All the patients sit in the lounge area while they await their turn to get "hooked up." The lounge has a TV, a kitchen table, and a full kitchen with a stocked refrigerator (sweet). Everyone was watching TV in their PJs. Except for this one woman who was playing solitary (I wanna say "by herself", but I realize that's redundant) at the kitchen table. It didn't take me long to figure out why she was there. She kept nodding off playing cards. Fascinating. I found myself watching her more than the TV. She never dropped her cards.
I was the last patient to get hooked up, so I was able to get an idea of what to expect. You know in Grand Theft Auto, when you wreck the boss's car and you have to get it repaired? You drive the car to a body shop and pull it into the garage. The garage door closes. You then hear a cacophony of sounds as the invisible mechanics repair the car. Finally the garage door opens and you are presented with a beautifully restored automobile.
The hook up was like that, but in reverse.
One by one, patients would be called into the Wiring Room, where Howard the Wiring Technician would worked them over for about 30 minutes. My mind started racing when I heard, of all things, an air compressor kick on. After their 30 minutes of Howard-time, the hapless patients would emerge resembling a picture of an animal in a PETA brochure. They were covered in brightly colored wires and electrodes, all of which were plugged into a central wiring harness which was hung around their necks.
My Turn
Howard wasn't a talker, but boy did he scrub hard. Each spot on my body where he needed to glue an electrode had to be exfoliated. Howard was extremely thorough in the exfoliation department. He proceeded to glue 13 electrodes to my head. Each time he would glue an electrode on, he would make sure the glue was dry by blowing compressed air on it. Air compressor. Got it. Four of the electrodes were glued into my hair. Nice. Then he glued one electrode on my chest and three on each leg. It was a little awkward for me when Howard had to fish the wires for my legs up my pants and out at my waist, but Howard didn't seem to mind.
When it was time for bed, I thought it was be a simple procedure as they plugged my wiring harness in to the bedside computer.
I was wrong.
They added even more things to hook up. Going to bed took about 20 minutes as Howard and his assistant hooked me up to even more sensors. Two more needed to be glued to my chest. A microphone was glued to my neck. A sensor was clamped to my index finger. A rubber oxygen nose sensor was taped to my nose. A metal wire air temperature sensor was also taped to my nose. I found this last one to be extremely uncomfortable...two little metal wire probes had to be inserted into my nostrils. Yuck. And finally they strapped a motion sensor around my chest with a belt. Unbelievable.
There was no way I'd be able to sleep.
I was sound asleep within three and a half minutes.
Good Morning
I awoke the next morning sans rectal bleeding and my pants still on. Bonus. The doctor showed me the various graphs derived from the 500 sensors they had on me. He pointed to the sine wave that represented my breathing. Nice and even, smaller and smaller, and finally flatline from 30 seconds to a minute. Apnea. That was weird to see that.
The doctor wants me to wear a breathing mask. To have the breathing mask properly configured, I have to spend another night at the sleep clinic. Yey. So, I made a reservation for another one night stay at the Hotel Howard.
asistent?
ReplyDeleteThanks.
ReplyDeleteWOW, you poor thing! Well at least you will have company there! :-)
ReplyDeleteHere, I'll cheer u up. I have a discogram scheduled as prep for surgery. Here's some choice things I've read about it...
ReplyDelete... needle is advanced towards and eventually into the center of the cervical disc. After all of the needles are placed, the discs are "pressurized" one at a time... injecting small amounts of a sterile liquid
... cervical discography remains controversial.
....the worst pain of my life
blah, blah (sign me up)
Ouch. When are you having this done? What a drag it is gettin' old.
ReplyDeleteIt only gets worse.
ReplyDelete