The Sleep Clinic: part 1

A few days ago I had an appointment with the Sleep Clinic (my wife claims that I've been snoring...whatever...and beer kills brain cells). This was just the pre-check, to see if I was worthy of a full sleep study. I am, but I'm getting ahead of myself.The nurse was and idiot. Cute, but she had a room temperature IQ. She tried to get a weight measurement, but she couldn't figure out which direction she had to move the little counter weights on the scale. After a minute or so, I adjusted the weights myself. She tried measure my heart rate, but was checking on the wrong side of my wrist. I was so amused. I decided not to help her this time. I just sat and watch the clock. 3 minutes. Wow. She then tried to take my blood pressure. She inflated the arm thingy (is there a name for it?) three times. After the third time she cocked her head a little and said "125 over 70?". "Sounds good to me..." I said. The last measurement was circumference of my neck. I was hoping for a nice snug in-seam measurement...but oh well. She measured my neck by placing the measuring tape on the outside of my shirt collar. "19 1/2?"I finally got to see the doctor. He went on and on about the health risks associated with snoring. Blah. Blah. Blah. Yeah yeah I get it. I'm here aren't I? All his talking was making me sleepy. So I steered the conversation away from my health problems and toward the sleep study they were going to schedule for me.

He went on and on about all the wires they'd hook up to me. I asked about the test results. More specifically, would I be allowed to have the video tape. He went back to talking and I went back to not listening. I found it really hard not laugh out loud as I thought about the following:

• I'm gonna wake up naked from the waist down and bleeding out my ass.


• While watching the grainy green night vision video tape of me sleeping, I'll see twenty minute segment of the janitor pranking me with what appears to be a broom handle.


• There will be detail coverage of me humping the pillow.

The sleep study is tonight. Wish me luck.