Happy Fun Dad

I went swimming at the public pool the other day with my kids.

Both my son and daughter had pieces of dead skin hanging on the soles of their feet. It's early in the summer, so the skin on their feet isn't tough enough for the rough concrete pool bottom.

My son showed me the bottom of his big toe. He asked me to tear off the small piece skin. Without questioning, I grabbed it with my fingers and yanked. The water-soaked skin tore easily, and he was happy.

My daughter was suffering from the same problem. She saw the quick and easy solution I had provided for her brother, and asked if I could do the same for her. "Sure" I said. I grabbed the skin and yanked. Unfortunately it didn't yield the same result. With a stunned look on her face, she gasped and immediately started crying.

The crying didn't surprise me. She is "injured" by the most benign events: Stepping on a tall blade of grass. Getting poked in the arm with a pencil eraser. Falling down a flight of stairs. This is a trait she inherited from her mother. "Come on. You're fine. Suck it up and walk it off." I said, as I tried not to loose my temper in front of a few dozen judgmental mothers. "I CAN'T WALK! IT HURTS TOO MUCH!" she belted ... even though I was sitting right next to her. "Then go for a swim or something. Just stop crying." I said. "I CAN'T SWIM! I'LL GET BLOOD IN THE POOL!" "There isn't any..." and that's when I notice the pool of blood beneath her toe.

"OK, maybe we should go to the office for a Band-Aid."

Several dozen judgemental mothers watched as I walked and my daughter limped to the office.

The lifeguard in the office was unfazed. I guess she deals with lots of bloody toes.

She cleaned and bandaged my daughter's toe. My daughter was still inconsolable. The lifeguard then turned her attention to me, and prepared to read the standard script.

lifeguard:	“I need to fill out an accident report. So I need you to answer a few questions.”
me:	“OK”
(head):	“Something bad is about to happen. She's not blocking my exit route, so I'm OK for now.”
lifeguard:	“Where did this happen?”
me:	“Over by the side of the pool.”
lifeguard:	“What happened? Did she step on some broken glass?”
me:	“Well...no. She...uh... She asked me too...uh...”
daughter:	“He ripped the skin off of my toe.”
lifeguard:	“Excuse me?”
(head):	“fuck.”
me:	“You see, she had some dead skin on her toe and she asked me to pull it off.”
daughter:	“And he yanked really hard and it hurt a lot and then it started bleeding.”
(head):	“OMG STFU!”
me:	“...She asked me to do it.”
There was an awkward moment that seemed to last an eternity. I'm sure she was contemplating whether or not she should call Child Services. We all exchanged glances.
(head):	“These aren't the droids you're looking for. These aren't the droids you're looking for.”
lifeguard:	“...I'll write down here that she stubbed her toe.”

Another near miss.