You're probably thinking what I was thinking, How did he carry a hamster cage while riding a bike? Simple, he clutched the struggling creature in one hand. (That cheeky metaphor is soundin' pretty funny right about now.) No cage needed.
This idiot never thought that the trip would totally freak out his new pet.
I let him "visit" with my daughter, a phrase which here means: "Your friend isn't allowed in the house but you can stand out front and talk for four and a half minutes." During his visit, the hamster proceeded to shit and pee all over his hand and the steps to our front porch. I let my daughter know that it was time for her friend to go home, a phrase which here means, "He needs to go."
Moments later, after I'd gone back inside to avoid the spread of Stupid, I noticed my daughter running from the kitchen with a plastic sandwich bag. What was it for?
daughter: I don't know, Andrew just asked me to get one.[OK, now I'm forced to interact with this shithead.]
me: What are you doing?
Hamster Boy: I need something to take him home in, so I asked her for a plastic bag.
me: A plastic bag? You want to carry your pet hamster home in a plastic bag?
He ignored me and continued to put the hamster in the zip-lock sandwich bag. OK, suit yourself. Enjoy your new dead pet hamster. My son, the Jeff Corwin of the family, took over where I left off. He started shouting at Hamster Boy to let him know what happens to a hamster that can't breathe.
He finally caved and decided to carry the hamster home sans bag. What did he do with the bag for which he no longer had a need? Ah yes, he threw it on our sidewalk.
God, I hope this isn't a prelude. My daughter will bring home more intelligent boys. Right?
If you're still having problems with garbage we should talk. My rates are affordable and I also help to keep undesireables away. I just need a place to park my truck while I work.
ReplyDeleteI wonder what the blogs would have looked like, if the parents of young JC's girlfriends had blogs available at the time.
ReplyDeleteDAD: (shouting upstairs) Your boyfriend is here again.
GIRL: He's not my boyfriend, dad!
DAD: Well get down here and get rid of him.
GIRL: Do I have to talk to him? Can't you just tell him I'm not home?
DAD: (Looking out the window) Jesus...what's that in his hand? A lighter? And is that a dead skunk around his neck?
GIRL: I'm scared, daddy. Don't make me go out there.
DAD: Go get my gun, girl.
! OTFL
ReplyDeleteWe can only hope she marries a boy just like her father.
ReplyDeleteGeez, Mr. Mann. You were right.
ReplyDeletep.s. Can I stop by and see your daughter tonight? I have a tadpole I'd like to show her.
An up and coming Lloyd Christmas or Harry Dunne perhaps?
ReplyDeleteWhen you say blonde hair... do you mean like this?
ReplyDeleteYup. That's the one.
ReplyDelete