Nooooooooo!

Microsoft has scored an exclusive contract to supply the ECU (Electronic Control Units, responsible for a car's engine management) for Formula 1. Shoot me. This is one of the few sports I enjoy watching.

Yes, this news is more than 2 months old, but I just found out about it...so it's news to me.

Maybe this is why Michael Schumacher is retiring.

Here's a funny:

"In addition, the WMSC also announced that due to a significant increase in cornering speeds in F1 this season, the sport's Technical Working Group will be consulted regarding possible measures to slow the cars down."

Looking to slow down the cars? Microsoft can help with that.

The Fast and the Curious

My oldest son and I went to a car show this weekend. The "Custom Import Tuner Show." This car show is very popular with the younger crowd (I think the average age was 18 or 19). I guess that's why my son was so interested in going. I was hoping to see some fast and furious "race babes", like Suki (yup she's the one in the photo). No luck. Nobody even came close to lookin' like her. Maybe the movie industry unrealistically portrays women.

I was surprised to see a high concentration of disabled guys. I'm not sure why.

I saw a Nissan Skyline for the first (and probably only) time in my life. The Skyline is only available in Japan.

They had a bikini contest. It was too crowded to get close enough to see...or drool. After they (I'm not sure if there were official judges) had chosen the winner, the crowd started chanting "Show your tits. Show your tits." Judging by the crowd's reaction, I don't think any tits were shown...or maybe it was sour grapes.

Just after the bikini competition, they had a burnout competition. Nothing that interesting. Lots of tire smoke. One of the cars had an engine fire. For this event the crowd was even worse, so I wasn't able see any of the action. I held my son up above my head a few times to give him a peek. He didn't seem that impressed.

While the crowd was waiting for the various events to begin, the social order started to break down. A girl in the grandstands would stand up, and the guys would start shouting. They would ready their cameras, camera-phones, or camcorders with one hand and twirl their Mardi Gras beads with their other hand. The shouting would get louder and louder and finally erupt (climax) when the girl flashed her breasts. Then, she would get showered with beads.

Good family fun.

Christmas at the Schumachers

On Sunday morning my son and I were watching the first Formula 1 race of the season. I had missed the first part of the race and when I started watching I was surprised to see Michael Schumacher¹ in second place. I wondered out loud where Ralph Schumacher² was.

son:	“...ummmm...he's in 13th place.”
me:	“...ok...”
son:	“...I wonder which one their dad favors...”

Ignoring the subconscious sibling rivalry occurring at my house, my son and I started acting out (that's what we do at the Mann household) the various awkward Schumacher family gatherings. This is what we came up with:

mom:	“Oh Michael! Merry Christmas! You're early. We weren't expecting you for another 30 minutes.”
Michael:	“Well, I can't help it.”
dad:	“That's my boy. Where is Ralph?”
Michael:	“Oh, he called me and said that he was running a little late. Flat tire.”
dad:	“Figures. That's what you get when you let the French make your tires.”
mom:	“Honey, don't be so hard on him.”
(the gift exchange)
Michael:	“Dinner was excellent mom. Here, this is for you and dad. Merry Christmas.”
mom:	“Oh my goodness. Our own Italian villa on a private island?! Michael, you shouldn't have.”
Michael:	“It's the least I could do.”
mom:	“How could you possibly afford this?”
Michael:	“Mom, remember, I'm the highest paid athlete in the world.”
dad:	“Thanks son. Fantastic.”
Ralph:	“I got you a little something too.”
dad:	“A gift certificate to have our driveway sealed?”
Ralph:	“Yeah, that company is great. They did my driveway. They wash...”
dad:	“Michael, does our new villa have a driveway?”
Michael:	“No, its only accessible by boat or helicopter.”
Ralph:	“Well, you can seal the helipad...”
dad:	“Is the helipad made of asphalt?”
Michael:	“Concrete.”
dad:	“The helipad is made of concrete Ralph. What the hell were you thinking?”
Ralph:	“Well, I didn't know that Michael was gonna...”
dad:	“No you didn't, because you never talk to your brother do you? Maybe if you spoke to him from time to time, you'd learn a few things.”
Ralph:	“But, I...”
dad:	“Shut up Ralph.”
Michael:	“Your new neighbor, George Clooney, is looking forward to meeting you. He's a great guy, you'll love him.”

¹ Michael the six-time world champion. Last year was a bad year for him. I thought he lost his edge...so this year...you can just imagine my surprise.

² Ralph is the brother of the six-time world champion. I don't remember Ralph ever winning a race. But he tries. God bless him, he tries.

The BMW Testdrive

Both of my sons are into cars, so I offered each of them a trip to the dealership of their choice for a test drive. Of course, it had to be within reason — no Ferrari. I'm such a mean dad.

My youngest son is really into Chryslers (shudder). More specifically, he obsesses over PT Cruisers (shudder shudder). Therefore, we went to the Chrysler dealer to test drive a PT Cruiser (shudder shudder shudder). Yes, I really love him. The only blog-worthy detail was that the dealer had trouble finding one that would start. We waited half an hour before he found one that understood what to do when he turned the key in the ignition. This didn't change my sons taste in cars. God bless him. I conducted my testdrive on rural roads with the hope that no one would see me.

My oldest son is fan of BMWs, specially the M3. So, I did what any father would do; I selflessly put aside my wants and needs and took him to the BMW dealer for a test drive. He said he would be happy to ride in any 3 series, but would really like a ride in the M3. I promised I would do my best.

Kevin cheerfully greeted us at the doors of the BMW dealership. Within five minutes, we were seated in a '06 325. He drove first — "Just to give you feel for the vehicle." Whatever, Kev. I was impressed with the features, even though this was the cheapest car in their lineup. Pushbutton start. Cool. Key FOB ignition that charged every time it was in the ignition slot. Heated seats. Rain sensing wipers. Electronic stability control — he demonstrated how little the car pitched forward under hard braking. Run-flat tires, which meant that there wasn't a spare. No physical dip stick for the oil — employing an electronic sensor instead. BMW provides car pickup and delivery for servicing within 2 hours of the dealership.

He finally let me drive. The steering was precise. The power was OK. It handled wonderfully. It was so quiet that I had trouble gauging my speed. This caused me to over shoot a stop sign. Sorry Kev...you can unclench now.

We went back to home base and Kev went to fetch the M3. I said I was interested in the coupe version. Unfortunately they only had a '03. I guess that will do. My son nodded his approval. Kev pulled a beautiful jet black M3 around to where we stood. I don't care much for how a car looks, but Jesus (assuming)! Just after I caught my breath, I the heard the engine/exhaust. I was in love. Kev did the requisite preflight rundown. He gave me a sample of its acceleration and cornering abilities. He demonstrated an 85 MPH tire-squealer in a sweeping right-hander. Gulp.

My heart was pounding when it was my turn to drive. I was so nervous. I revved the engine to 5 or 6k RPM...just because. Kev gave a look. Shut up Kev. When I was ready, I pulled out and accelerated as fast I could. I was astonished and a little scared. I glanced back at my son and noted that he felt the same, with his head pressed back into the seat. I was glad I drove the 325 first — I knew the road this time. I couldn't stop grinning. I'd never driven a car this amazing. The traction control lets you have fun, you could break the tires loose if you wanted too. So I did. I got the back end to slide out under heavy acceleration in a tight 35 MPH turn. I've never done that on dry asphalt. God, I miss driving a rear wheel drive car. I've never felt so alive. Kev had white knuckles.

We pulled into the dealership and Kev tried to talk money. That didn't last long. I was soon driving home in my piece o' shit Honda Odyssey. I wanted one. Just $45k...OK, maybe not right now...