In first grade our youngest son made the mistake of becoming best friends with a military kid.
The emotional train-wreck started in late May and continued well into the following school year. My favorite part was the externalization of his depression. It seemed like he would pick a family member at random (usually his younger sister), and then focus his anger/sadness onto that person.
me: “Are you sure you wanna be so close to someone who is leaving forever when school is over?” son: “I'm sure. I don't mind.” (head): “Right. We'll see how you feel in June.”
For me to be a 'nice person', I usually have to do the opposite of what I'm thinking. That's weird...nary a bother.
son: “This is the worst school year ever. I have no friends and my only friend doesn't live here anymore.” (head): “Duh! I told ya so. Can I do the 'I told ya so' dance now?” me: “Sorry, that really sucks.”
OK, I'm sure you know where this is going.
It happened again. My son (now in fourth grade) became best friends with another military kid. Here we go.
I only have enough emotional scaffolding for one stupid mistake. Of course my wife doesn't see it that way. She is prepared to support (coddle) my son through another multi-month train wreck.
me: “This is bullshit. What a jackass. We even reminded him what happened last time.” sherry: “We just have to be there when he falls and help him back up.” me: “Sorry. I've got better things to do.” sherry: “You're a heartless jackass. Why can't you show some compassion?” me: “I did show compassion THE FIRST TIME. Remember? I was there?”
The crying has already started. He must know not to come to me, which is good, because there is no way he's gonna cry on my cold, hard shoulder.
Heartless, bastard! Psychologically scarring others -- OK. Forcing your own children into therapy for the rest of their lives -- Pure Jackass!
ReplyDeleteQuake does not count as "better things to do." Sorry, it just doesn't.
ReplyDeleteKids need to realize that their actions can directly influence their emotions. They need to take responsibility for feeling bad as the result of a situation that they created themselves. A certain level of firmness is warranted here, to make sure he understands that what he's feeling is a consequence of his own choices.
ReplyDeleteHe is, however, a fourth-grader, and is not exactly at the peak of emotional maturity. Use this as a parenting opportunity to teach him emotional detachment and build his self-confidence so he's not devastated every time a friend moves on.
"...to teach him emotional detachment..."
ReplyDeleteLet's not take parenting advice from sweettea, honey. K?
Maybe tommy will want to weigh in...
I was right there with you, sweettea --- what with the accepting responsibility for his emotions and understanding the relationship between feelings and choices --- then you had to go and get all detached on me.
I'm not a proponent of detachment, which is something JC and I will never agree on. So somewhere between my girlish clinginess and his unwillingness to feel, there must be a happy medium. Too bad we're too pigheaded to try to find it for our children.
Good luck, kids.
At this rate your kids will either end up like Ted Kazinski or John Galt. I'm going to have to side with Sherry, let him make his mistakes, multiple times if he has to, he'll learn to cherish the memories. Then again, I'm 17.
ReplyDeleteYay! For once tommy picked me.
ReplyDeleteTommy is dead to me.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you posted this one. I've been struggling with my emotions since the day you sped recklessly out of the PTI parking lot. Tommy said "cherish the memories" so I'm spending some time on that angle. It's been different for me with Sweattea's departure.
ReplyDeleteDid Skinny leave his computer unlocked?
ReplyDeleteMen can really, really suck. No wonder women almost ALWAYS get custody. You suck, suck, suck, and you should live alone (and die that way, too).
ReplyDelete