World Wide Asshole

Over a year ago I published an article about the sweet demise of my childhood bully. I know you probably think I'm sick in the head, and I am. But luckily, I have someone to blame.

Writing that article was a cathartic experience for me, and to this day, rereading it lifts my spirits.

I noticed that the visitor count on my blog was steadily rising. I thought this was kind of odd. Sites usually become more popular because they produce compelling content at regular and frequent intervals. Then I realized that the majority of my hits were coming from Google Image Search. People who searched for an image of an "asshole" were rewarded with David Fleming's high school yearbook photo. Awesome.

Warning: Unless you're a Goatse fan, you may want to edit your Google search preferences and the set SafeSearch Filtering to Moderate before you perform this search.

Over the past 6 months I've been watching Mr. Fleming's Google Asshole Index rise. When I first started checking (Yes, I was checking regularly. Shut up.), he appeared on about third page. I got more and more excited whenever his Asshole Index afforded him a higher result position. It was kind of like watching the ball drop on New Year's Eve, or refreshing the Olsen Twins legal age countdown page.





When he finally broke into the top ten, I just couldn't contain myself. I had to let someone know. It feels good knowing that people all over the world associate "asshole" with "David Fleming".

God Is Love

I was treated to this inspiring bumper sticker on my drive home from work.

SIN-KILLS
THE WAGES OF SIN IS DEATH
ARE YOU SAVED?

Ummm...I could just feel the warmth of God's love embrace my soul.

Yup, I'm still an atheist. Sharing heaven with this guy would be hell.

Winona 1990-2007

Another month, another pet. We had to euthanize our cat today. She was old, and her quality of life took a nosedive over the past few days. We have three other pets and none of them have any health problems (psychological or physical), so I doubt I'll be writing another post like this for a while.

Not enough information? Read more about it.

SPF 0

This winter weather we're having has me longing for summer. Which reminds me of an annual argument my wife and I have sometime in the middle of June.

I come home from work and see that my beautiful wife has been burnt to a crisp by Mr. Sun.

me (head):	“Christ. Every fuckin' year. We have to say something.”
me:	“Nice.”
Sherry:	(feigning ignorance) “What.”
me (head):	“And here we go...”
me:	“How's that sunscreen? Is it still in the bottle?”
Sherry:	“I used it. I swear!”
me (head):	“Say something sarcastic. Something witty!”
me:	“Right.”
me (head):	“See, this is why we never win arguments with her.”
Sherry:	“Ask the kids.”
Oldest Son:	“Dad, she put it on. I saw her. She put it on herself after she put it on us.”
Sherry:	(grinning like an idiot) “See?”
me (head):	“First rule of Parent Fight Club: don't involve the kids.”
me:	“So you put it on and then...what? You took a shower?”
Sherry:	“It must have washed off in the pool.”
me:	“Really. If that's the case, then the kids should be burnt as well.”
Sherry:	“I don't know. It doesn't matter. I'm not like you. This will turn into a nice tan in two days.”
me (head):	“That's why she does it. Every fuckin' year. Say something. Let her know that we're on to her.”
me:	“I'm gonna play Quake now.”

And so my thoughts are littered with images of Sherry at the beach with her grandchildren.

Mmmmm. GILF.

Squirtle 2000-2007

We had to euthanize our dog for obvious reasons. I know it's the right thing to do, but it feels so wrong. At 4:15PM today, he was injected with the blue chemical and died in my arms.

Prison Break Pooch

When we first got Squirtle (yeah, don't let your kids name your pets), he was nice dog. He didn't know where he was allowed to shit, but that's expected of a 3 month-old pup. He was lovable; like, kids could pet him without losing a finger.

Squirtle's temperament is getting progressively worse as he approaches senior citizenship (The veterinarian tells me that a dog is a senior citizen at 8 years-old). He has bitten or attempted to bite every member of our family and all of the other pets. Nice doggie.

This weekend his aggression has reached a new high (low?). We came home from the movies to find the results of his failed prison break. He was able to bend a few of the steel bars. As you can see he was successful at breaking one of the welds.

Maybe he knows he's on death row.

Martyr

It's only been two days since I left CBC, and it appears that I've already been martyred.

I get 70 virgins right? Can I request a body type? I don't want any of mine to have a BMI greater than 19. Oh and A-cups please, although if you want to sprinkle in few B and C cups I won't argue.

Knowing my luck, they'll get on the same cycle.

What happens when they're no longer virgins? Do I get a new batch? Or do I have to be martyred again?