Happy Birthday Jesus

An acquaintance of ours thought it would be nice to give our children some Christmas gifts.My daughter was given a Daily Study Bible for Women and a P.O.D. CD.Both of my sons were given the same book, Extreme Teen Bible. My oldest son was given a Rebecca St. James CD and my youngest son given a BarlowGirl CD.

Hmmm...I think I've identified a common theme here. I think this jackass wishes to expose our children to Christianity, even though he knows what our beliefs are.

My kids didn't know what do with the gifts, so we donated them to a local church.

The Greatest Store On Earth

A friend of mine told me about this really cool website, United Nuclear.You can buy all kinds of crazy stuff there:

• Nuclear Isotopes


• Anti-Radiation Pills


• Invisible UV Marker Pens


• Neodymium Magnets

I love the magnets page. A product that has the following disclaimer is just begging to be purchased:

"1.5 times stronger than our previous SupermagnetsIf you really need unbelievably powerful magnets, here they are. Uses include magnetic steering of nuclear particles in homemade accelerators, levitation devices, magnetic beam amplifiers, scrap iron separators, etc.

Beware - you must think ahead when moving these magnets.

If carrying one into another room, carefully plan the route you will be taking. Computers & monitors will be affected in an entire room. Loose metallic objects and other magnets may become airborne and fly considerable distances - and at great speed - to attach themselves to this magnet. If you get caught in between the two, you can get injured.

Two of these magnets close together can create an almost unbelievable magnetic field that can be very dangerous. Of all the unique items we offer for sale, we consider these two items the most dangerous of all. Our normal packing & shipping personnel refuse to package these magnets - our engineers have to do it. This is no joke and we cannot stress it strongly enough - that you must be extremely careful - and know what you're doing with these magnets. Take Note: Two of the 3" x 1" disc magnets can very easily break your arm if they get out of control.

Axially Magnetized (the top & bottom flat faces are the north & south poles).

We can only ship these magnets by ground UPS - they cannot be shipped via air as it will interfere with the aircraft's navigational equipment.

These magnets are rated at Grade N45 - the most powerful there is. Ni-Cu-Ni Plated with Matte finish."

Sherry, if you were looking for that one last gift...look no further.

Yahoo Flocks to del.icio.us

You have probably already read the news about Yahoo! buying del.icio.us and Flickr.I wonder if this means that Yahoo! will soon invest in donate to Flock?Speaking of del.icio.us: There's a great new Firefox extension for tagging web sites. It's not perfect, but it's the best one that I have found so far.

My New Coat

A few weeks ago I bought myself a coat. Much to my dismay, when I left the store with my new purchase, the anti-theft alarm went off. The cashiers and manager looked my direction. The manager paused and waved me through saying, "She just forgot to disable the sensor." OK, fine by me. No problems here...or so I thought.Since that fateful day, I've been setting off the anti-theft alarms everywhere. Nice. Now everyone thinks I'm trying to steal something. Luckily, no one seems to care enough to search me. It goes something like this:

1. I enter the store and the alarm sounds. "BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!"


2. The clerks look at me, but noting my direction (remember, I'm walking *into* the store at this point), quickly go back to whatever they were doing.


3. At the conclusion of my shopping experience, when I try to leave the store, the alarms sounds again. "BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!"


4. I stop walking and turn around, looking for someone who gives a shit. Crickets. The people who should give a shit, don't. Apparently there is a shortage of people who give a shit.


5. I leave the store, setting off the alarm one more time. "BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!" Hey --- hat trick.

One of the clerks at Barnes and Noble asked if I was stealing something. Would a real thief answer anything other than, "no"?

So, I've been thinking, maybe I should take my coat back and get it disarmed.

Deer Bring Pain

There has been some disturbing news coming out of Minnesota. First, I'd like clarify my position: I'm against trophy hunting, but I think there is a positive side to hunting. Especially after reading this article. My wife and I tried to imagine how some of the 911 calls must have sounded.

911 operator: 911. What's your emergency?
woman: Oh, deer! I think my husband needs help.
911 operator: Where's your husband, ma'am?
woman: He's in our daughter's bedroom and --- oh my god! --- he's trying to kill him!
911 operator: Ma'am? Please remain calm. This man he's trying to kill? Do you know him?
woman: He's a deer.
911 operator: You're friends with this man? The man your husband is trying to kill?
woman: What? Oh...no! It's a real deer with hooves and antlers.
911 operator: What's your husband...
woman: He's going to kill it. I tried to give him his gun, his buck knife, but he wants to kill it with his bare hands!
911 operator: Ma'am, tell your husband to get out of the room. We have a patrol unit in the area and they're on route to your...
woman: Chester? Honey? She wants you to get out --- what? Oh. It's dead.
husband: WOLVERINES!
woman: Oh, terrific...now he's drinking it's blood.
husband: The chair is against the wall!
woman: Well, it looks like we don't need your help...do you like venison?

Disturbed Links -- Sans Commentary

I've been sittin' on these links for way too long:

Sex is for Fags!
IRON HYMEN

My 15 year old nephew sent them to me a few weeks ago. I've trying to think of something funny to say about them, but I've got nothin'.

Enjoy.

Chemical Peels

Michael Jackson finally pays the real price for being on the bleeding edge of chemical peel technology.

A Digital Music Player Cleaner

I had to come up with another million dollar idea, because our apparel isn't selling as well as I'd hoped.

I'm developing a digital music player cleaner. This marvel of digital technology is a specially engineered digital music file that digitally cleans your digital music players circuits just by being digitally played. It's as digital as that.

I'm manufacturing the file in various formats, sold separately of course, so that all of your digital music player's audio circuits can be cleaned. If you're thrifty, you can just buy one file format; for example mp3 or perhaps aac. But if you'd like to give your digital music player a thorough cleaning, you can buy a full version which contains all of the most popular audio formats: mpeg, mp2, mp3, mp4, mp5 (when released), aac, flac, wav, wmv, au, avi, cat5, cat5e, cat6, html, vrml, and more.

The cleaner file, which sounds like white noise, is specially engineered to exercise all of the capabilities of the music file format. The full bit rate spectrum is covered: from 1 bps all the way up to 1000 bps. Both channels are cleaned independently of course.

The cleaner files are compatible with all of the most popular digital music players: Winamp, iTunes, Windows Media Player, MusicMatch, xmms, mplayer, xine, gxine, and vim. And I didn't forget portable digital audio: iPod, iShuffle, and ... are there any others?

In the future I'm planning on providing a subscription service for my premium customers. These lucky customers will receive updates for the latest file formats, digital audio players, and portable digital audio players. Including updates for every patch release of iTunes and Windows Media Player. They'll also be able to schedule their cleaning service for automatic cleaning.

Stop back soon for more details on this amazing new technology.

Patent pending.

A Prelude to a Boyfriend

My daughter had a surprise visit (ooo rah, my favorite) last Tuesday from a "friend." OK, no, it wasn't Aunt Flow. It was a boy from her class, average height, blonde hair, about 45 pounds---I could take him. Her friend rode his bike to our house, no helmet (already a bad sign) to show her his new pet hamster. Note: "pet hamster" isn't some cheeky metaphor for something else. It was a real live hamster.

You're probably thinking what I was thinking, How did he carry a hamster cage while riding a bike? Simple, he clutched the struggling creature in one hand. (That cheeky metaphor is soundin' pretty funny right about now.) No cage needed.

This idiot never thought that the trip would totally freak out his new pet.

I let him "visit" with my daughter, a phrase which here means: "Your friend isn't allowed in the house but you can stand out front and talk for four and a half minutes." During his visit, the hamster proceeded to shit and pee all over his hand and the steps to our front porch. I let my daughter know that it was time for her friend to go home, a phrase which here means, "He needs to go."

Moments later, after I'd gone back inside to avoid the spread of Stupid, I noticed my daughter running from the kitchen with a plastic sandwich bag. What was it for?

daughter: I don't know, Andrew just asked me to get one.[OK, now I'm forced to interact with this shithead.]

me: What are you doing?
Hamster Boy: I need something to take him home in, so I asked her for a plastic bag.
me: A plastic bag? You want to carry your pet hamster home in a plastic bag?

He ignored me and continued to put the hamster in the zip-lock sandwich bag. OK, suit yourself. Enjoy your new dead pet hamster. My son, the Jeff Corwin of the family, took over where I left off. He started shouting at Hamster Boy to let him know what happens to a hamster that can't breathe.

He finally caved and decided to carry the hamster home sans bag. What did he do with the bag for which he no longer had a need? Ah yes, he threw it on our sidewalk.

God, I hope this isn't a prelude. My daughter will bring home more intelligent boys. Right?

Doom

I went to see Doom the other night with Sweet Tea and Deppen. We went into the movie with really low expectations. It exceeded our expectation by a narrow margin.

It had the look of Doom 3, which I thought was interesting. But that also meant that most of the action was in the shadows. I thought the monsters, when you could see them, were well done.

It moved slowly, with the real action starting in the last third of the movie. The BFG made a showing, but was only fired three times — twice on camera. For me the most disappointing part of the movie were the weapons. They mostly used a standard machine gun or handgun, and the BFG. Nary a Rocket Launcher, Railgun, Lightninggun, Plasmagun, or Grenade Launcher. The anemic gun selection meant that there were no interesting combos. I really wanted to see a monster tossed in the air with a Rocket Launcher and then sniped with a Railgun.

They used typical horror movie tactics, slowly building tension with music and weird camera angles. Then they shocked you with something benign: a rat, or a dog (what's a dog doing on Mars?). They falsely let the tension die only to really shock you with real monster. OMG! You got me again! You crazy horror movie director.

There was a 5 or 10 minute sequence that was filmed in the FPS style. That was fun to watch.

me: It was better than I thought it would be.
Sweet Tea: Yeah, I enjoyed it. Whadda ya say, Deppen?
Deppen: .....[Crickets].....
Sweet Tea: That's what I thought.
me: Hey, good talkin' to ya Deppen.

The best part was seeing the trailer for Underworld: Evolution. I'll be watching that movie with bottle of hand cream and roll of paper towels. Who's with me?

The BMW Testdrive

Both of my sons are into cars, so I offered each of them a trip to the dealership of their choice for a test drive. Of course, it had to be within reason — no Ferrari. I'm such a mean dad.

My youngest son is really into Chryslers (shudder). More specifically, he obsesses over PT Cruisers (shudder shudder). Therefore, we went to the Chrysler dealer to test drive a PT Cruiser (shudder shudder shudder). Yes, I really love him. The only blog-worthy detail was that the dealer had trouble finding one that would start. We waited half an hour before he found one that understood what to do when he turned the key in the ignition. This didn't change my sons taste in cars. God bless him. I conducted my testdrive on rural roads with the hope that no one would see me.

My oldest son is fan of BMWs, specially the M3. So, I did what any father would do; I selflessly put aside my wants and needs and took him to the BMW dealer for a test drive. He said he would be happy to ride in any 3 series, but would really like a ride in the M3. I promised I would do my best.

Kevin cheerfully greeted us at the doors of the BMW dealership. Within five minutes, we were seated in a '06 325. He drove first — "Just to give you feel for the vehicle." Whatever, Kev. I was impressed with the features, even though this was the cheapest car in their lineup. Pushbutton start. Cool. Key FOB ignition that charged every time it was in the ignition slot. Heated seats. Rain sensing wipers. Electronic stability control — he demonstrated how little the car pitched forward under hard braking. Run-flat tires, which meant that there wasn't a spare. No physical dip stick for the oil — employing an electronic sensor instead. BMW provides car pickup and delivery for servicing within 2 hours of the dealership.

He finally let me drive. The steering was precise. The power was OK. It handled wonderfully. It was so quiet that I had trouble gauging my speed. This caused me to over shoot a stop sign. Sorry Kev...you can unclench now.

We went back to home base and Kev went to fetch the M3. I said I was interested in the coupe version. Unfortunately they only had a '03. I guess that will do. My son nodded his approval. Kev pulled a beautiful jet black M3 around to where we stood. I don't care much for how a car looks, but Jesus (assuming)! Just after I caught my breath, I the heard the engine/exhaust. I was in love. Kev did the requisite preflight rundown. He gave me a sample of its acceleration and cornering abilities. He demonstrated an 85 MPH tire-squealer in a sweeping right-hander. Gulp.

My heart was pounding when it was my turn to drive. I was so nervous. I revved the engine to 5 or 6k RPM...just because. Kev gave a look. Shut up Kev. When I was ready, I pulled out and accelerated as fast I could. I was astonished and a little scared. I glanced back at my son and noted that he felt the same, with his head pressed back into the seat. I was glad I drove the 325 first — I knew the road this time. I couldn't stop grinning. I'd never driven a car this amazing. The traction control lets you have fun, you could break the tires loose if you wanted too. So I did. I got the back end to slide out under heavy acceleration in a tight 35 MPH turn. I've never done that on dry asphalt. God, I miss driving a rear wheel drive car. I've never felt so alive. Kev had white knuckles.

We pulled into the dealership and Kev tried to talk money. That didn't last long. I was soon driving home in my piece o' shit Honda Odyssey. I wanted one. Just $45k...OK, maybe not right now...

Shadow Of The Colossus

Sounds like my wedding night!

I received a Shadow Of The Colossus demo disc for the PS2 in the mail last week. I'm not sure why. It must be a perk of being an elite gamer.

I finally took the time to play it. It's a third-person platform game kind of like God of War. Oddly, the demo starts you off in the middle of huge field. It doesn't actually draw you in. The visuals and sounds are cool. Your special sword directs you to where you need to go. Letting my special sword guide me was very natural for me. You are guided to a cliff that you have to navigate by climbing and jumping. Once you reach the top you find yourself standing in the shadow of a huge creature. Hey! They should name the game, "Shadow of the Huge Creature," or something. Anyway, you need to kill this guy. I know this because he is not me, and he trying to step on me. The on-screen help tells you to climb this creature (I am not sure what to call him...) and stab him repeatedly with your sword. I tried to do this. I failed. The action was underwhelming and slow.

Forty five minutes later, I awoke from my game-induced slumber, ejected the game and threw it in the trash. There's 45 minutes I'll never get back. I'll just add that to the 120 minutes I wasted watching Serenity.

Colossus! The creature could be called a Colossus!

Corporate Blog Blocking

Things are getting worse for employees of big companies.

I guess it's only a matter of time.

A Hilarious Family Guy Clip

I find that I can't stop watching this clip from The Family Guy. I never thought Ipecac could be used as a recreational drug.

My family really likes it too.

If the interweb is giving you trouble, you can find it in the 7th episode from the 3rd season, called, "8 Simple Rules For Buying My Teenage Daughter." Maybe you can borrow the DVD from a friend or a neighbor.

A Flock Of Geeks

I started using Flock today. Flock was Charlie's find. Thanks Charlie.

I love the fact that the bookmarks are stored in del.icio.us. No more syncing my work and home bookmarks. I worry about the strain the Flock community is going to put on del.icio.us servers. Before Flock was announced, I noticed that the del.icio.us site sometimes had trouble keeping up with the load.

I tried the integrated blog stuff, but it was a difficult to configure with my blog. At one point, it pranked my Blogger account pretty hard, putting my blog was in a weird state. I mistakenly published a test post and couldn't delete it.

Flock is interesting so far, but rough around the edges.

Cabela's

On our way back from Pukefest '05, we stopped at the Cabela's store. We don't hunt, fish, camp, or even hike. Why did we stop? I'm not sure. "Oh, your kids will love it. They have the coolest exhibits" people told us.

There was green toilet paper in the bathrooms.

They have conference rooms. Why do they need conference rooms?

There were cute little novelty parking signs that read "elk hunter parking only -- violators will be shot" ...OK...

I saw a fishing reel that was about the size of toaster oven that was selling for $1200.00.

My daughter picked up an item that looked like an oversized metal coat hanger with notches near the shoulders.

daughter: Mom, what is this for? It's only $7. Can I buy it?
Sherry: Um...they hang dead deer on those.

My daughter quietly put the deer hanger back on the pile. Awkward.

There was a wonderful toy section. My favorites were the Hunter Dan and Hunter Ann action figures. The video games were interesting. They had a hunting game for the XBox/PC. In the game the player drives a pickup truck around until they see something they'd like to kill. The large animal is usually charging at the shooter. If the player misses the target and the animal hits the player, the game warden steps in and saves the player from certain death...only the animals get to die.

I saw a hottie with long blonde hair and tight Wrangler jeans. When she turned around I saw that she had a 5 inch buck knife attached to her waist in a black leather sleeve. WTF? That totally killed my chub. The Wrangler jeans should have tipped me off. I'll know better next time.

I had mix emotions about the exhibits. At first, I was taken back my their amazing beauty. The animals looked so life-like (ha ha). This feeling lasted about 10 seconds. The plaques that documented the animals referred to them as trophies. Nice. I looked up at the enormous trophy elephant and all I could think was "wow that big game hunter must have had really low self-esteem, and/or a really small penis."

A Dream Come True

My family gave me a greatest birthday gift ever---a gift certificate to go soaring in a sailplane. I took the wife and kids on a day trip to the Kutztown Airport. Ever since I was a kid, I've wanted to learn to fly a sailplane.

Grinning like an idiot, I handed my gift certificate to the lady at the front desk. She introduced me to Mike, the pilot. What do ya say Bill?

Mike took me and my family out to see the sailplane I'd be flying. The kids got a chance to sit in the cockpit and play with the controls. He was trying to explain the instruments to my daughter. I don't think he understood that she didn't give a shit. Mike, she's 8.

Within 5 minutes, Mike found the pilot for the tow plane, adjusted my seat so I could reach the foot peddles, and tightened my 4-point seat belt. Mike gave the signal to the pilot in the tow plane and we were off.

Almost as soon as we started moving, our plane was off the ground. The tow plane used the rest of the runway before it lifted off. Amazing.

We were towed upwind toward Hawk Mountain When we reached an altitude of 5000 feet, Mike let me pull the towline release lever. It got very quiet as the tow plane dropped off to the left and we pulled up and circled to the right.

After he gave me a brief flight lesson, I asked if we could do some aerobatic maneuvers...maybe a loop or something. Well, according to some crazy regulation, we were required to have parachutes in order to fly inverted. Boring. He suggested that we try some Lazy Eights. Yawn.

After Mike demostrated a Lazy Eight, we were just south of Hawk Mountain, which is just north of Pukesville. Mike calmly suggested that I open the air vent to get some fresh air:

Mike:Just stick your hand out there and direct some of the cool air toward your face.
me:Great. Thanks.
me (in head):I am Mike. I am Can't you see my goddamn hand sticking out of the vent? It's not working! I'm still in a cold fucking sweat!
Mike:Guess it's good that we didn't do a loop...
me:Yeah.
me (in head):Oh come on! How about I take that control stick and shove it up your ass! Could you do a loop then? Could you do a loop with a control stick up your ass, Mike? And I'm still not getting enough air here! Aren't there any other air vents!?

Mike handed my a barf bag. "Just in case." The barf bag worked much better than the air vent. Eggs, coffee, and toast. Beautiful. Mike suggested that we head back to the airport. Since I was feeling better after my best Mary-Kate Olsen at 5000 feet, I asked if we could keep flying.

So we did. I wanted to find a thermal. He found one.

Mike:Thermals can be pretty turbulent. This one isn't that bad.
me:...
me (in head):No shit. Is that why the whole plane is shaking? Asshole.
me:Can you show me how fast this thing can go?
me (in head):What the hell did I just say? Idiot!
Mike:Sure! I can take her up to about 70 knots.

Mike pointed the plane down at the earth and we plunged into a steep dive. I brought the partially filled barf bag closer to my lips. Mike circled around south of the runway, which is right over Violently Ill Town. Mike deployed the spoilers, making the plane shake even more. I began to puke uncontrollablly into my ever-heavier barf bag. It was hard to stay on target with the plane trembling. By the time we came to a stop, I had managed to splatter second-hand eggs, coffee, and toast on my shirt, sunglasses, neck, arms, and seatbelt. Perfect landing.

On the way home I chewed three pieces of Eclipse gum, but my wife still refused to kiss me.

apidoc.org

apidoc.org is a great site that aggregates API documentation. It has a register/login feature that doesn't work. Luckily, you don't need to register to use it. There is also an IntelliJ plugin.

Yes, you read that correctly. I'm using IntelliJ...pushed down by the man again. IntelliJ is pretty good. I've only been using it for about 2 months, so my opinions are probably immature.

pros:

• The code coloring and formatting are really customizable. It has a lot of font effects available.


• It has great Ant script integration. You can jump around in an Ant script as if it were Java code.


• It has nice JUnit integration. IntelliJ runs your JUnit TestCases and then summarizes the results. You can run all of the TestCases in a package, run just one TestCase, or run just one method in a TestCase.

cons:

• SLOW! I hate an IDE, well any application, that can't keep up with the user.


• Lots of plugins are available, but there are no plugins for additional file type support. ksh, perl, bash, and batch script are just text files to IntelliJ.


• The code navigation is OK. It's easy to jump forward in the source code, but there is no way to jump back. There has got to be a way to jump back. I just haven't found it yet.
  

  update 10.10.2005: I found it. "Go To" -> "Back".

  
  


• Five hundred dollars...and it only transports matter... SlickEdit still kicks IntelliJ's ass for $200 less.

We Dogs

You know it's hard out there for a pimp
When you're trying to get money for the rent.

A Proud Father

My daughter is going to be Napoleon Dynamite for Halloween. She has a "Vote for Pedro" t-shirt, snow boots, and Bill Gates glasses.

My youngest son is going to be Idaho for Halloween. "I'm Idaho!" He doesn't care if no one gets the joke. God I love that boy.

My oldest son bought himself a bag of chips while we were on a car trip. After about 10 minutes he said:

son: Hey Dad, do you want any chips?
me: Sure! I'll take some.
son: Well you should have asked earlier.
me: Well done, son. Well done.

Aut-O-Medic

The people that designed the Aut-O-Medic must have been on drugs.

Here are some things that I find incredibly annoying about this machine. Keep in mind that users of this product usually have a headache.

The machine takes 50 cents. Quarters only, please. Both quarters must be placed in the machine at the same time. The coin dial is like those found on gumball machines. The dial will not turn until it has two quarters. This undocumented feature took me about 5 minutes to figure out. You can just imagine how proud I was when I was able to successfully turn the dial. JC: 1, Aut-O-Medic: 0.

You must make your product selection prior to turning the coin dial. I didn't know about this feature. Price to me? 50 cents. If you've selected a product that is sold out, you get nothing. That's exactly what I got. JC: 1, Aut-O-Medic: 1.

Once you've figured out how to deposit your money, that you must first make a product selection, and the order in which these actions must occur, you finally get your reward. The product slides down the chute, out of the machine, and onto the floor. I felt like this was the last chance for the machine to insult me. It worked. My head pounding even more, I bent down pick up my over-priced drugs. JC: 1, Aut-O-Medic: 2.

All of this hate comes from a machine small enough that someone could easily pick it up and throw it out the window.

Stealing Excedrin from the desk of a co-worker is much easier.

Phone Prank

Let the pranking begin. Prank them long and prank them hard.

One For The Hope Chest

Well, here is the head for the hope chest. As you can see, it is only half burnt. There was masking tape that saved his beautiful face. Thank you Uncle Gary, "The Enabler", for letting me borrow your digital camera.

What do I have to do?

Sherry was mad at me again. I think I might have won an argument or something.

Sherry: What do I have to do to make you want to leave me?
me: Well I...
Sherry: ...Because whatever it is, I'll do it.
me (in my head): This is your chance! You can get something good out ...
me: OK, use "Pap Smear" in every sentence.
me (in my head): nice.

She lasted three sentences.

New Building Materials

When I build my house I know what toilet and drywall I'll be using. The drywall is $80 per sheet though...so I'll have to save up.

My Son The Surgeon

I was surprised/troubled to find my son playing baseball in our backyard wearing surgical gloves. I didn't know what to say, so I just made like nothing was wrong. Our dog seemed to be in good spirits, so I don't think he was playing Pet Proctologist.

Burning Man

My son had a G.I. Joe that was missing a few limbs. He asked me if he could burn him at the stake.

me (in my head):My 9 year-old son wants to burn his G.I. Joe. Hummm...Do I need to be worried about his mental stability? Well, as far as I know, he isn't killing and/or torturing animals... No problems here.
me:O.K. Let's do it.

Site Preparation

I didn't want to damage our yard, so I used a 24"x24" piece of 26-gauge sheet metal I had lying around.

I used a small piece of wood and and dowel to create a stand to which we would tape Joe.

For the accelerant, we used a a rag soaked in gasoline. We wrapped the gasoline soaked rag around Joe's feet and and legs.

As a final precautionary measure, we got the garden hose ready.

Ignition

Wow. The gasoline rag was good idea. It was really cool looking. It reminded me of an anal bum cover. The kids cheered as Joe fueled a three foot intensely hot flame. Sherry started to get nervous when a column of dark black smoke rose from our backyard. The kids continued to cheer as they danced around our sacrificial flame.

A few minutes into our experiment, Joe's flame engulfed head fell off and rolled onto the sheet metal. This event caused the kids to cheer even louder. The remainder of Joe's body started to melt onto the wooden stand. This is when we (Sherry and I) decided to put out the flame. The kids really liked the sizzling sound the water made when it came in contact with the "protective sheet metal". It was then that I realized that the sheet metal probably didn't do what I'd hoped it would do. We all stood around the steaming black corpse, formerly known as G.I. Joe. The kids were quiet now and grinning ear to ear.

Cleanup

me:OK, let's throw this mess out.
sherry:Wait! Lets save his head.
me:You want to save a burnt G.I. Joe head?
sherry:Yeah. I want to but it in our hope chest.
me (in my head):My wife wants to save a burnt G.I. Joe in our hope chest. Hummm...do I need to be worried about her mental stabililty? No problems here.
me:OK, I'll get a plastic bag.

After we cleaned up the site, I realized that maybe using highly conductive sheet metal wasn't the best choice for protecting our grass. We now have a 24"x24" patch of brown grass in our backyard.

The Fallout

Two days later at "Back to School" night, some teachers were questioning me about the G.I. Joe incident. I guess Sherry told them. They wanted to know if we tried to burn anything else. Perhpas they were worried that my kids would try to burn things on their own. I don't think they were too pleased.

The neighbor kids asked if they could bring over some action figures to burn. I think they may have seen our smoke signals. I said no. I gotta draw the line somewhere.

Our New Van

We are getting a new van. A silver Honda Odyssey. It's pretty ubiquitous so I thought that we would put one or more of the following stickers/magnets on the back:

• a soccer ball


• "OBX"


• "support our troops" yellow ribbon


• "support our troops" red, white and blue ribbon


• "My child is an honor stundent"


• "I brake for MILFs"


• "I brake if you are too close"

Nick what have you done to make your silver Honda Odyssey stand out? A Penn State sticker?

I Hate People: part 2, The Trash Fairies

For whatever reason people have been using the sidewalk in front of our house as a dumping ground. About twice a month we have a major trash incident. I say major, because we have minor trash incidences everyday. Candy wrappers. Plastic cups. KFC napkins. No, these don't count as major.

Last month we were blessed twice by the Trash Fairies. On one occasion someone left 3 Domino's pizzas. The ants eating rotten meat and cheese were wonderful. And on another occasion someone left a large box of food products: one gallon of lemonade, two frozen pizzas, ten cans of ravioli, and several packets of Ramen noodles.

Two nights ago we had a 10PM spare tire dropped off. Thanks. That was just what we were looking for.

I need a solution to this problem. "Using mainly spoons, we'll tunnel our way out of the city...". I'm thinking of something that includes high-powered lasers and motion activated cameras. I just need to run a 3-phase 660v line to the front of the house.

A New TV Show

Finally a TV show that I can really enjoy. It's nice that they provide an Ogg Vorbis download.

I Hate People: part 1 of an ongoing series

I made a purchase on the interweb. Here is part of the shipping confirmation email:

Dear JC Mann:Thanks again for placing your order with xxxxx.

We've sent this email to confirm shipment on the items listed below for order number xxxxx. With most packages, you can track the progress enroute based on your Tracking Number(s):

91010787376730088xxxxx

If the tracking number above appears in one of the United Parcel Service (UPS) formats, click this link and paste in your tracking number: http://wwwapps.ups.com/etracking/tracking.cgi

UPS formats are: 1Z### ### ## #### ### # or T### #### ###

If your tracking number appears in the FedEx format, click this link and paste in your tracking number:http://www.fedex.com The FedEx format is 12 numerals in a row, with no separators. Be sure to delete the leading zeros when entering your number
on the FedEx website!

Tracking information will not be posted to UPS or FedEx tracking systems for approximately 24 hours.

If the number above begins in 9, your package was sent via the United States Postal Service. If no number appears, your order was shipped USPS First Class Mail. Currently, USPS does not offer a package tracking system.

You gotta be kidding me. You don't know what shipping company you used? You can't write just a little bit of code to evaluate the tracking number and supply me the appropriate link to track my package?

The Little League World Series

I went to the LLWS on Sunday. There were lots of MILFs and hotties (I guess they are LL groupies. Why do 12 year old baseball players ... oh nevermind).

A hotties or MILF (honestly, I couldn't tell) commented on my "somethimes I pee when I laugh" t-shirt:

hottie: I really like your shirt.
me (filter block #1): Really? I like your everything.
me (filter block #2): I like your shirt too. I can clearly see that you still have all twelve of your ribs.
me (filter block #3): Do you realize that chics like you normally just ignore me?
me (looking down at my shoes): thanks.

Close call.

The game was great. The whole experience was like being at a Senators game, except that the field and the players were smaller and the home team won.

In the outfield, there is a small hill that people like sit on. The majority of the people that sit out there bring plastic lawn chairs. The hill is too steep for the chairs to be usable, so they cut about 8 inches off of the rear legs.

What they don't show you on TV: There is hill behind the outfield hill that is about 3 times as big as the first hill, and much more steep. This hill is a playland for the kids "watching" the game. In the first inning, they were rolling down the hill. Shortly after that, the kids started using large pieces of cardboard as sleds. By the third inning they had worn a dirt/mud path. This path was "enhanced" with the bottled water and soda. These kids were achieving incredible speeds. The cardboard that they were using didn't last long, so they just slide "bareback". The scene reminded me of the second Woodstock. It sucks being old and responsible.

My Daugher's Friend: Gandhi

My daughter had a friend visit for the day. Things were going well until we ate lunch. Her friend refused to eat lunch because she is on a "hunger strike until she gets a drum". This 7 year old girl hasn't eaten for four days! Her older brother (not on a hunger strike) has confirmed her story. Wow. It must be a really nice drum.

How Jedi Are You?

Here is another personality test. Charlie wanted me to post this in my blog. I'm kind of tired of these tests, but I feel bad for Charlie. I don't think that he has very many friends. Charlie is proud to say that he is a Qui-Gon Jinn, and his "friend" (I just nod like I believe him) is a Yoda. I am a Little Anakin. I don't care...I'm a pilot, you know, and someday I'm going to fly away from this place.

A Defining Moment

I was searching for a Greasemonkey script that would linkafi all the words on a web page to point to their definitions on www.dictionary.com. I was thinking it would be great to use it directly on a dictionary site. It's annoying to me that dictionary.com doesn't offer this service already.Surprisingly, when I was searching I found something else that was interesting (lets ride bikes). This is like Google Suggest but for words and their definitions.

There are Firefox plugins that help with the whole definition thing. I guess these will do for now.

A Grande Drubbing

My therapist said that I would get over the trauma faster if I just wrote about what happened.

LAN-party 8.10.2005:

It was just Slappy and me at first. I was schooling him in the campgrounds tournament mode. grande came in to spectate about half way through the drubbing. Then it was grande turn. Same map same mode. Slappy got to watch as showed grande how to perfect the fade-away rocket frag. About half way though the match, grande started begging me to change the mode to FFA. I complied with his request. The FFA game ended something like this:

ominous quake voice: one frag left.
sparrowlegs: Who wants to be the winning frag!? grande? Slappy? Where are you guys?! Cowards. Ah! Thanks Slappy.

sparrowlegs: 30
grande: 17
Slappy: 10

New map (Dead of Winter) same mode:

ominous quake voice: one frag left.
sparrowlegs: Who wants to be the winning frag!? grande? Slappy? Where are you guys?! Cowards. Ah! Thanks Slap....
ominous quake voice: you are tied for the lead.
sparrowlegs: Huh!?!? WTF!? Who...(direct rocket shot out of nowhere!)

grande: OTFL

grande: 30
sparrowlegs: 29
Slappy: 10

ouch.

New map. Apparently grande knows The Dead of Winter too well.How about one of the Sokar maps. Not the one Ca1amity likes. The other one. Red armor room behind glass with three teleporters to he get out. Mega health up on the highest platform. You know the one.

grande: 30
Slappy: 21
sparrowlegs: 15
Hunter: 14

Fuck! New Map! How about the one that Slim Shady told me about. A small space map with lots of jump pads. Quad damage. Weird teleport madness near the RG. You know the one. If you don't just ask Skinny. I performed my usual tricks: running, strafe jumping. Unfortunately, there was nowhere to run or jump... And grande is snipping me from...oh I've fallen off the map again. Slappy got the quad...and I'm dead. I'll hop on over to the teleporter/RG/hell. And I've fallen off the map again. OK, I'll just power up here, hit jump pad to get the Mega Health...and grande had nudged me off the edge with the RG. Fuck!

grande: 19
Slappy: 14
sparrowlegs: -3

This isn't happen. This isn't happening! Must end game with positive score... I just need to stay alive and snipe Slappy...and grande has snipped me again from nowhere. Alright, I really wanna quit...but that would me make me like snuff. But if I end the game with a negative score, then I'm like Slim Shady! Must stay alive...go for the red armor...and I've fallen off the edge again! FUCK!

grande: 30
Slappy: 21
sparrowlegs: 1

I hate LAN-parties.

Restless Natives

grande said:
The natives are getting restless ... no updates in over a week? First you spoil us with updates, now we're all going through withdrawal. I guess you decided never to speak again of the LAN party? I haven't told anyone; your secret is safe with me. ;-)

OK, this is how it works. I'm only going to write when I have something to write about. This past week has two exceptions:

1. Some wonderful things have happen with respect to work. Unfortunately, it would be irresponsible for me to comment on them in a public blog. I think I can setup a private blog entry, but you would need to sign-up to be allow to read it.


2. The LAN-party...ummmm...my wounds are still fresh. I still can't write, talk, or think about it with out my eye twitching uncontrollably.

The Family Picnic

We went to my parents house for a family picnic this weekend. My parents house is a insanity-rich environment.

My sister, who is pregnant with her second child, likes to follow her two year old daughter around with a box of Clorox wipes. She sanitizes anything that her daughter might touch. The slide, shopping cart, lawn chairs, etc. Must...filter...thoughts...

sister: We are looking for suggestions for baby names. We haven't found any names that we like.
sherry (joking): How about Eggbert?
sister (not joking): No, we don't like that. It's too close to Bert. He's that G-A-Y muppet on Seaseme Street. They finally took him off. Thank GOD! I guess they realized how inappropriate it was having him on a children's show.

No one said anything after that. I guess because there wasn't a ten foot pole in the room. But there was a pink elephant! I think Katie Holmes wants to set up a car pool to Crazytown, maybe I should tell my sister.

The Philadelphia Zoo

We went to the Philadelphia Zoo this past Saturday. The gorillas weren't gettin' it on this time, but the Galapagos Tortoises were! I don't think that I've ever seen 500 pound tortoises gettin' puddin'. OK, I never seen any tortoises or turtles party before. I'd like to say that it was impressive, but there wasn't much going on in the movement department (...sounds like my wedding night!). It looked like some vandals pranked two statues...funny, but not exciting. So, I checked out the hippos, the okapi, and the elephants. I looked back and he was still inspecting her shell. I guess if you live for 150 years, what's the rush?

Anyway. The crowd was pretty excited to see this event. And that's when I overheard this gem:

"Daddy? What are they doing?"
"They're going to the bathroom. Come on, let's look at the hippos."

Good job jackass. Sex doesn't exist.

When we were looking at the ring-tailed lemurs, a woman walked up and asked if they were raccoons. I must be a magnet for stupid.

In the how-the-fuck-do-you-wipe-your-ass department: We saw a woman with six-inch fingers nails. They looked just like they do in the Guinness Book of World Records, curled, brownish-yellow, and disgusting.

9/11 Conspiracy Theory

Sweet Tea sent me this interesting link. If you like conspiracy theories, you'll love this. Apparently whatever crashed into the Pentagon on 9/11 wasn't a plane, and the FBI isn't talking about it.

Tippy Toes

I was at the pool the other day with the kids. I don't understand why they do this. Each of my children feel the need to report the water depth relative to their own height. They all use the same terminology and they assume that I know what they are talking about, which of course I do. Whenever we move to different location in the pool I'm inundated with reports on the water depth:

(any child): Dad. This is flat-footed. Did you see that? Ok, this is tippy-toe. See? And finally this is tippy-top-toe.

Their amount of pride is directly related to the amount that their heads are submerged during their demonstrations. Fascinating.

I'm still not connecting with Charlie

me: That'll do pig. That'll do.

Charlie: (confused look)

me: I'm not calling you a pig. It's a literary reference.

Charlie: ...what book is that from?

me (caught in filter):
You shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

me: It's from the movie Babe. At the end of the movie...

Charlie: Was Babe ever a book?

me: No, but someone had to write the screenplay.

Charlie: I figured you'd say something like that.

New Job: 2.2

I played the Destroy All Humans game for the PS2 game last night. It's interesting and kind of funny. You play the role of the alien and it your job to ... err ... destroy all the humans. To progress through the game there are various missions that must be completed. There is also a GTA feel. You can roam around instead of completing the current mission. If you are a distracted kind of person this...Hey let's ride bikes. If you want, you can just run around jukin' people in various ways. There are two weapons so far: The zap-o-matic, and the Anal Probe. I was immediately drawn to the Anal Probe...OK it's the only weapon that I used. Needless to say, I never completed a mission. I just went around...probing people. The Anal Probe is extremely powerful when used properly. I had to some trouble at first. I guess I didn't know where to stick it. It was the first time that I used a weapon like this...I swear! After I got the hang of it, I was probing people so hard that heads exploded. So, I just did that for an hour instead of completing the mission.

I bought myself some candy at Giant the other day. Six candy bars for 2 dollars. God! I can't imagine what it must be like to pay 50 cent for one candy bar!

Forget about ping pong ball cannons, check this out. Oh yeah, that's laser sight on there.

Apple came out with their new iBooks today. I think we are buying one tonight.

So, it's a 'no' on the LAN party? I didn't get any responses. I guess you guys are just afraid...

New Job: week 2

Charlie feels bad about Sailer. Bookmark on Sailer: Yes it's Charlie now. Everyone (all 4 of them) here calls him Charlie. If you think calling someone Charles is awkward, you should try Charlie. Anyway, back to Sailer. Apparently, Charlie (shudder) and Sailer were in middle of some political argument when Sailer got called into Chuck's (one of the owners.) office. Chuck laid-off Sailer and, I guess, Sailer left shortly after that. I think that anyone that is a founding member of an extremist group automatically gets an escort out of the building. Charlie was left feeling bad about the unresolved argument. I get the feeling that this haunts Charlie to this day. Maybe if I give him an inappropriately long hug he'll feel better about it.

We'll it's official. I'm not going to QuakeCon. If anyone (lurker?) would like my reserved spot, let me know by Wednesday. If you are interested in going there is a group of gamers from the Harrisburg area that are renting a RV to go to QuakeCon. If you are looking to save some cash you might want to contact them.

In related news: Charlie wants to sell me his Nvidia 6600GT card for 125.00 USD or 152.00 Canadian. Is anyone (lurker?) interested? Slim Shady, this a video card. People in the gaming community like to improve their...never mind, you're hopeless.

Well, I've applied the perfect amount of smack. When is the next LAN party? I'm so tied of 100.arQon.

Uncle Gary let me drive his backhoe loader tractor. Why am I software developer, when I could be doing that for a living? Oh right, the money...and all those wonderful stock options.

New Job: day 4

Charles isn't here today. Maybe I'll use this opportunity to clean my monitor.

I had an awkward moment yesterday when someone used the word "Mechanicsburg" in a conversation that I was not a part of. I, of course, uncontrollably said "huh!?". They paused their conversation and looked at me, but I solved by problem by never looking away from computer screen, which was smudged with fingerprints. I still got it...

These guys like to play darts (well isn't that a lightning rod).

n : a game in which darts are thrown at a dartboard

It's pretty interesting, they have various types of games that...hey look the grass is growing.

My personal space senses (or my Spidy-Senses as I like to call them) are now set to defcon 1. Charles did the Gettle Chair Hump yesterday. Instead of saying anything, I just bit my lip until it bled. God I'm good. I'm just waiting for him to compulsively jingle six dollars of pocket change.

My son has his last (I'm hoping) Little League All-Star game tonight. Maybe it will be as interesting as the Tuesday night game. After the game had ended (I think that we won), the police were called in to break up a fight between the Shippensburg coaching staff and the umpires.

Friday is "Dress Down Day". I'm so excited that I think I'll play a game of darts.

New Job: day 3

I was getting into some serious coding this morning. Here is how it went.

StringIndexOutOfBounds exception in Huh.java line 5. OK, lets have a look at this file. Where is it? Open a command window.

cd /projects.

Error. Right. Windows.

cd projects
find . -name "Huh.java"

Oops, Windows. Close command window. Open File Explorer. Click on My Computer. Click on Local Disk (C:). Ctrl-F. Type Huh.java and click the "Search Now" button. Searching. Hummm...this may take a while. I know, I'll check my mail! I'll just switch over to Firefox. Hummm...still waiting for Windows to respond...looks like the search is consuming alot of resources. Ah, Firefox is ready. I'll just click the "Check Mail" link. And Firefox has crashed. Oh, but my search is finished. Excellent the file was found. I'll just double click on it. Nothing. Hummm. I'll just double click on it. Nothing. There appears to be an excessive amount of disk activity. Ctrl-Alt-Del and click "Task Manager" button, and click on the CPU field to sort by that. Oh it appears that I'm trying to launch two instances of Oracle JDeveloper. I'll just right click -> End Process. And waiting..."Process is not responding. End now?"...yes. Oh look at that. It's lunch time.

Puppies and kittens.
Puppies and kittens.
Puppies and kittens.

New Job: day 2

I'm settling in at my new job. Here are my observations in no particular order.

I work with a guy named Charles. You don't meet too many Charles these days. Charles likes to touch my monitor. I'm not sure how to approach this topic.

The building spells like body odor in some places.

I got my new cellphone. It's nice. I'm having fun with the VoiceDial feature. BTW, my old cellphone (you know, the one that went through the washing machine) is working again. Apparently it just needed a new battery.

There is a sofa here...ummm...nap time.

The soda is free. No cookies though.

The microwave is small and under-powered. I'll have to compensate for the longer cooking time by starting my lunch a few minutes early.

I'm using a Windows box. Ouch. Websphere Application Developer took 4 minutes to start up. Maybe that is what the sofa is for.

I haven't been called a twit. I'm liking that.

The perfect present

I've started a Christmas list for my wife.

Katie Holmes, welcome to Crazytown

Katie Holmes has lost her mind. We still have time. We can save her.

Soapbox? What soapbox?

This is not a soapbox. I have created this blog to keep in-touch with my friends at my former employer...who shall remain nameless.

So to all of my friends at Payment Technologies (shit...I've gone and done it), this is for you.