Deer Bring Pain

There has been some disturbing news coming out of Minnesota. First, I'd like clarify my position: I'm against trophy hunting, but I think there is a positive side to hunting. Especially after reading this article. My wife and I tried to imagine how some of the 911 calls must have sounded.

911 operator: 911. What's your emergency?
woman: Oh, deer! I think my husband needs help.
911 operator: Where's your husband, ma'am?
woman: He's in our daughter's bedroom and --- oh my god! --- he's trying to kill him!
911 operator: Ma'am? Please remain calm. This man he's trying to kill? Do you know him?
woman: He's a deer.
911 operator: You're friends with this man? The man your husband is trying to kill?
woman: What? Oh...no! It's a real deer with hooves and antlers.
911 operator: What's your husband...
woman: He's going to kill it. I tried to give him his gun, his buck knife, but he wants to kill it with his bare hands!
911 operator: Ma'am, tell your husband to get out of the room. We have a patrol unit in the area and they're on route to your...
woman: Chester? Honey? She wants you to get out --- what? Oh. It's dead.
husband: WOLVERINES!
woman: Oh, terrific...now he's drinking it's blood.
husband: The chair is against the wall!
woman: Well, it looks like we don't need your help...do you like venison?

Disturbed Links -- Sans Commentary

I've been sittin' on these links for way too long:

Sex is for Fags!
IRON HYMEN

My 15 year old nephew sent them to me a few weeks ago. I've trying to think of something funny to say about them, but I've got nothin'.

Enjoy.

Chemical Peels

Michael Jackson finally pays the real price for being on the bleeding edge of chemical peel technology.

A Digital Music Player Cleaner

I had to come up with another million dollar idea, because our apparel isn't selling as well as I'd hoped.

I'm developing a digital music player cleaner. This marvel of digital technology is a specially engineered digital music file that digitally cleans your digital music players circuits just by being digitally played. It's as digital as that.

I'm manufacturing the file in various formats, sold separately of course, so that all of your digital music player's audio circuits can be cleaned. If you're thrifty, you can just buy one file format; for example mp3 or perhaps aac. But if you'd like to give your digital music player a thorough cleaning, you can buy a full version which contains all of the most popular audio formats: mpeg, mp2, mp3, mp4, mp5 (when released), aac, flac, wav, wmv, au, avi, cat5, cat5e, cat6, html, vrml, and more.

The cleaner file, which sounds like white noise, is specially engineered to exercise all of the capabilities of the music file format. The full bit rate spectrum is covered: from 1 bps all the way up to 1000 bps. Both channels are cleaned independently of course.

The cleaner files are compatible with all of the most popular digital music players: Winamp, iTunes, Windows Media Player, MusicMatch, xmms, mplayer, xine, gxine, and vim. And I didn't forget portable digital audio: iPod, iShuffle, and ... are there any others?

In the future I'm planning on providing a subscription service for my premium customers. These lucky customers will receive updates for the latest file formats, digital audio players, and portable digital audio players. Including updates for every patch release of iTunes and Windows Media Player. They'll also be able to schedule their cleaning service for automatic cleaning.

Stop back soon for more details on this amazing new technology.

Patent pending.

A Prelude to a Boyfriend

My daughter had a surprise visit (ooo rah, my favorite) last Tuesday from a "friend." OK, no, it wasn't Aunt Flow. It was a boy from her class, average height, blonde hair, about 45 pounds---I could take him. Her friend rode his bike to our house, no helmet (already a bad sign) to show her his new pet hamster. Note: "pet hamster" isn't some cheeky metaphor for something else. It was a real live hamster.

You're probably thinking what I was thinking, How did he carry a hamster cage while riding a bike? Simple, he clutched the struggling creature in one hand. (That cheeky metaphor is soundin' pretty funny right about now.) No cage needed.

This idiot never thought that the trip would totally freak out his new pet.

I let him "visit" with my daughter, a phrase which here means: "Your friend isn't allowed in the house but you can stand out front and talk for four and a half minutes." During his visit, the hamster proceeded to shit and pee all over his hand and the steps to our front porch. I let my daughter know that it was time for her friend to go home, a phrase which here means, "He needs to go."

Moments later, after I'd gone back inside to avoid the spread of Stupid, I noticed my daughter running from the kitchen with a plastic sandwich bag. What was it for?

daughter: I don't know, Andrew just asked me to get one.[OK, now I'm forced to interact with this shithead.]

me: What are you doing?
Hamster Boy: I need something to take him home in, so I asked her for a plastic bag.
me: A plastic bag? You want to carry your pet hamster home in a plastic bag?

He ignored me and continued to put the hamster in the zip-lock sandwich bag. OK, suit yourself. Enjoy your new dead pet hamster. My son, the Jeff Corwin of the family, took over where I left off. He started shouting at Hamster Boy to let him know what happens to a hamster that can't breathe.

He finally caved and decided to carry the hamster home sans bag. What did he do with the bag for which he no longer had a need? Ah yes, he threw it on our sidewalk.

God, I hope this isn't a prelude. My daughter will bring home more intelligent boys. Right?