ENT Doctor

Just another chapter in the never ending snoring saga.

I visited an Ear Nose & Throat doctor to see if there is any way they can increase the airflow through my nose and throat, thus rendering the awesome CCRAP useless.

The doctor sprayed something in my nose and then left me alone with a tissue for 5 minutes. This disgusting spray is used to "open you up so we can see what's going on in there." As I waited I didn't really think about what he might have meant.

He returned with a nurse, but made like she wasn't there. I wondered why she was there. I stared at her, thinking that might help. I was hoping she might look at me and give me some indication, like "I'm here to mop up the blood/mucus/vomit after the doctor is finished with you." I got nothin'. To make matters worse, she was holding something behind her back. I started to get a sinking feeling.

The doctor nodded to the nurse and she finally revealed what she was hiding. She handed a the doctor a black shiny cylinder that was about the size of a flashlight. A 12" long, 1/4" diameter black flexible tube extended from the bottom of the device. Yup, something bad was about to happen. He moved in for the kill.

doctor:	“OK, let's have a look see.”
He held my head firmly against the head rest with his left hand while he wielded the Implement of Infinite Pain and Sorrow with his right hand.
doctor:	“Just relax...”
me (in my head):	“Not relaxing! Not relaxing!”
doctor:	“...and we'll see what's going on up there. I'm just gonna stick this here...”
me (in my head):	“OH MY GOD! What the hell are you doing to me!?”
At this point I lurched away from him. He responded by pressing harder against my head with his hand.
doctor:	“No No. You can't move.”
me:	“Right.”
He proceeded to navigate my nasal passage with his Implement of Infinite Pain and Sorrow. Meanwhile, on the receiving team, I was glazed in a cold sweat. The pain was phenomenal. And I knew that if I responded at all to the pain, it would only get worse.
He had all of these little tricks to get his probe past certain parts of my airway.
doctor:	“OK make the sound like 'eeeee'.”
me:	“whimper ... eeeee”
doctor:	“excellent, now I want you to breathe in through your nose as hard as you can.”
me:	“sniff....whimper...”
doctor:	“great, now press your tongue hard against the top of your mouth.”
It was then that I realized just how far he'd ...err...explored. I felt the Implement of Infinite Pain and Sorrow touch the side of my airway about 2" below my mouth. I responded my pushing even more sweat out of every gland I had.
doctor:	“Wonderful. I've seen enough.”
me (in my head):	“Really? Nothing more? You don't want scrape a mucus sample from one of my lungs while you're down there?”
He backed the Implement of Infinite Pain and Sorrow out with amazing speed. He scraped in weird places here and there, but I was numb to the pain by now.
I exhaled.
doctor:	“OK. It looks like you have two options. We can perform an operation using electrocauterization to remove some excess tissue from the back of your throat. Oh, and we'd remove your uvula during that procedure.”
me:	“Electrocauterization. That's burning my flesh with electricity?”
doctor:	“Yes. That way there is no bleeding.”
me:	“That sounds painful.”
doctor:	“Yes, it's very painful. And this type of operation has a 50%-60% success rate.”
me:	“OK.”
doctor:	“...That's not very good.”
me (in my head):	“What about me says 'dumb-ass' to you?”
doctor:	“The other procedure is a little more complex, but it has a 85%-90% success rate.”
me (in my head):	“More complex than burning my flesh with high voltage electricity. This should be good.”
doctor:	“It involves moving your entire jaw forward.”
me:	“That doesn't sound very complex.”
me (in my head):	“Doctor's don't get sarcasm.”
doctor:	“Well...it's an eight hour operation in which we break your upper and lower jaw bones and reconstruct them. Your jaw will then be wired shut for several weeks after operation.”
me:	“K. Ouch.”
doctor:	“So, we'll need to give this some thought.”
me (in my head):	“Thanks...because I was just about to order two of each operation.”

I'd rather just snore for the rest of my life and risk dying in my sleep.